I think every abuse survivor has grappled with the concept of "getting over it." Well-meaning friends and family ask and advise, and then as we process and heal we sometimes torture ourselves with the self judgement that we're dwelling in the past.
Most of these individuals I believe come from a place of caring and compassion. Some even offer camaraderie because they have been in similar situations. One such example of the advice I have gotten recently said something like this:
Stop letting that loser drain so much of your energy. You don't need the negativity.
This comment and others like it offer me clarity in how to present my message and mission. It’s never been my intent to sound bitter or like I am complaining about what has happened to me or the harsh realities within the world in regard to all forms of abuse from spiritual to emotional to physical to sexual (and more). When I share articles and resources it is my aim to provide labels and terms and perspective. It has very much (for me) shifted from a place of pain and hurt to a place of concern and empathy for those still living it. Upon reflection, I can see how my posts without comments can appear to come across negatively. I am in the process of reevaluating that.
You see, it’s not that I haven’t moved on; rather, I have done, and continue to do, extremely intensive therapy, recovery care and thought work to undo the years of pain from my religious foundations to my abusive marriage to the deconstruction process and beyond. In order to even begin to start healing I had to really examine and sit with and dig into dealing with the hurt and annihilation of my self worth. I found that in order to truly heal, I had to clean the wound, so to speak. I've had to flush out the deep seated grime and dirt that I thought had grown over and scabbed but would continue to fester if not properly cleaned, dressed, and bandaged.
I just want to feel whole. I want to be happy.
While it’s been exhausting and painful, it’s also been healing. It has provided me with clarity of strength and a hope that my worth and my life have meaning and purpose.
What I’m beginning to discover is that I have talents and wisdom and knowledge to share and have found that my passion is helping other women. It’s always been my passion to help others who are struggling, students especially. However, now that I am experiencing the slow, steady, healing side after a life full of conditioning and abuse, I find that it is not only my purpose to heal myself, but to speak specifically to the women who were and still are suffering in my past life. The women who, like me, have come through the flames and now don't have a clue as to what to do with the wreckage left behind.
There is a multitude of women in my position that are unheard and unseen. It includes the women at the shelter, homeless, battling addiction, or on food stamps struggling to raise their children with limited resources and no support. There is most definitely a place for those women to find safety and therapy and recovery. If this is you, this is a good place to start: https://www.thehotline.org/
However, the women that I want to speak to are the women who, like me, have a stable career. Supportive family. Financial security. Housing security. Are highly educated. And yet, find themselves in a covertly and sometimes overtly abusive marriage. They are not being beaten-they are being terrorized. They are nurses, teachers, lawyers, real-estate agents, bankers, and doctors. Women with beautiful children who work outside the home and take care of literally everything inside the home. They care for the house and yard and kids and meals and finances and work full time while getting the kids to and from daycare. Women who are specialists in their field, highly respected professionals, and brilliant in their careers.
At work she's on top. At home, she lives in an emotional dungeon of worthlessness. Her husband covertly belittles her very existence and parenting and worth because of the scumbag he is.
Would these women be absolutely fine without their husbands? Absolutely. Do they have support networks to help them along? Yep. Are any of them being battered or beaten in any way? Nope. But are they being abused and terrorized as hostages in a marriage that is not only destroying them, but also their children? You bet your last paycheck they are. THESE are the women I can help. THESE are the women on my Facebook feed that I consistently post for.
This is why I simply cannot and will not “get over it already.”
I do a fair amount of reflecting for the sole purpose of healing and dealing with my wounds so that I can live a healthy life. I do not live in the past nor do I offer my ex husband any bigger of a place than a wound that is healing and needs therapy to recover from. In that regard, I have moved on and not looked back.
But for the women who are still suffering, I simply MUST continue to call out abuse for what it is, educate them as to their worth and potential, and then give them the tools to not only survive now, but thrive later.
So, while I sincerely appreciate the concern and the experiences that friendly well wishers have had to endure to gain their wisdom, I simply must continue in my mission. There’s too many women and children at stake. I might not be able to help all of them, but I might be able to help one or two who were or are just like me. I know they’re out there.
I got out with my children and I found my own way and resources. I am on a path to recovery. I want to help others to do the same. I could go on and on with this, but I will expand in further posts on my website. I have big plans and you're going to love it. This is just the start and I'm so excited to be on this journey with you.
Thanks for being who you are. I appreciate you.
