Domestic Violence has similar, but slightly different legal definitions depending on which state in which you reside. The US Department of Justice's Office on Violence Against Women defines domestic violence as:
A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
In this definition, domestic violence includes covert behaviors that go beyond physical violence. It also clearly includes destruction of pets/property and intimidating or manipulating behaviors. The North Dakota Century Code limits the definition of domestic violence:
In North Dakota, domestic violence “includes physical harm, bodily injury, sexual activity compelled by physical force, assault, or the infliction of fear of imminent physical harm, bodily injury, sexual activity compelled by physical force, or assault, not committed in self-defense, on the complaining family or household members.
Varying definitions can be found depending on the state, entity, or advocacy project. What I am proving below is a generalized list of abuse as it pertains to using children, pets, and/or property. In my opinion, this all qualifies as domestic violence and is never ok. The examples below are from Sarah McDougal's Red Flags of Abuse chart and I have also added my personal experiences with each as they apply.
Children -Threatens to harm children (Or threatens to take the children if you leave, call out their abuse or seek safety.)
-Doesn't pay child support or prioritize kids' needs (Withholding child support payments or refusing to give you money unless you see/speak to/agree with them, not paying for medical care, refusing to put money in kids' lunch accounts, not buying basic hygiene items.)
-Belittles partner in front of kids
(This can be outright like name calling and insults 'You're so stupid,' 'You don't know anything,' etc. It can also be much more covert, such as, 'Your mom is being so silly-she knows better than xyz.' 'your mom should ask me first' or any kind of talking to the kids while sending a hidden or alternative message.)
-Leverages kids to keep partner silent
(This can sound like "If you tell anyone what happens at home you'll never see your kids again." "If you want to have any say in how these kids are raised, you will listen to me and do what I say." In our situation it was often a common threat to grandparents as well, as in "If you want to ever see your grandkids again you better not talk to me that way or question my intentions-ever.")
-Abuses other people's children
(Any physical or verbal violence toward children)
-Scares or hurts partner in front of kids (Physical abuse of the child's mother IS child abuse, even if the behaviors aren't directed toward the children themselves.)
Pets & Property
-Confiscates keys/ID/Driver's License (This can be under the guise of "keeping them safe" or outright prevention of autonomy.)
-Damages victims car, refuses to keep it maintained
(Can't keep the car in working order, 'can't afford' to get it fixed, etc.)
-Trashes victim's favorite things, says it was accidental
(For me this was an outright breaking of my things. Sometimes it was followed by an apology, but other times the narrative was 'I just got so mad because you were arguing with me and I didn't know what I was doing.' After I left the marriage but hadn't yet moved out all of my things, he targeted things that were especially important to me like gifts and heirlooms that he had no interest in other than to hurt me.)
-Harms or neglects pets, gives them away (We were never allowed to have a pet or a little dog because he was "afraid he would kill it" when it got too annoying. His actual words.)
-Punches walls, slams doors, throws things
(Many, many arguments included throwing things into walls and making holes or dents. Extra points if the object was something important to the kids or I.)
-Threatens to do any of these
(Honestly, after the above tactics were used once or twice, I was effectively scared into behaving exactly the way he wanted.)
If you or someone you love has experienced any of these behaviors, I encourage you to get curious and check out some resources to help you gain clarity. As always,
You're not crazy. You're not alone. You deserve healthy love. And you're safe here.
WEBSITES
-Definitions and resources for domestic violence
-Resources, strategies, and education about abuse and what to do about it
-Types of abuse broken down with examples
CHARTS / INFOGRAPHICS
Sarah McDougal's Systems of Abuse Chart
ARTICLES
PODCAST
