Episode 11: Abuse of Kids, Pets & Property

Domestic Violence has similar, but slightly different legal definitions depending on which state in which you reside. The US Department of Justice's Office on Violence Against Women defines domestic violence as:

A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

In this definition, domestic violence includes covert behaviors that go beyond physical violence. It also clearly includes destruction of pets/property and intimidating or manipulating behaviors. The North Dakota Century Code limits the definition of domestic violence:

In North Dakota, domestic violence “includes physical harm, bodily injury, sexual activity compelled by physical force, assault, or the infliction of fear of imminent physical harm, bodily injury, sexual activity compelled by physical force, or assault, not committed in self-defense, on the complaining family or household members.

Varying definitions can be found depending on the state, entity, or advocacy project. What I am proving below is a generalized list of abuse as it pertains to using children, pets, and/or property. In my opinion, this all qualifies as domestic violence and is never ok. The examples below are from Sarah McDougal's Red Flags of Abuse chart and I have also added my personal experiences with each as they apply.

Children -Threatens to harm children (Or threatens to take the children if you leave, call out their abuse or seek safety.)

-Doesn't pay child support or prioritize kids' needs (Withholding child support payments or refusing to give you money unless you see/speak to/agree with them, not paying for medical care, refusing to put money in kids' lunch accounts, not buying basic hygiene items.)

-Belittles partner in front of kids

(This can be outright like name calling and insults 'You're so stupid,' 'You don't know anything,' etc. It can also be much more covert, such as, 'Your mom is being so silly-she knows better than xyz.' 'your mom should ask me first' or any kind of talking to the kids while sending a hidden or alternative message.)

-Leverages kids to keep partner silent

(This can sound like "If you tell anyone what happens at home you'll never see your kids again." "If you want to have any say in how these kids are raised, you will listen to me and do what I say." In our situation it was often a common threat to grandparents as well, as in "If you want to ever see your grandkids again you better not talk to me that way or question my intentions-ever.")

-Abuses other people's children

(Any physical or verbal violence toward children)

-Scares or hurts partner in front of kids (Physical abuse of the child's mother IS child abuse, even if the behaviors aren't directed toward the children themselves.)

Pets & Property

-Confiscates keys/ID/Driver's License (This can be under the guise of "keeping them safe" or outright prevention of autonomy.)

-Damages victims car, refuses to keep it maintained

(Can't keep the car in working order, 'can't afford' to get it fixed, etc.)

-Trashes victim's favorite things, says it was accidental

(For me this was an outright breaking of my things. Sometimes it was followed by an apology, but other times the narrative was 'I just got so mad because you were arguing with me and I didn't know what I was doing.' After I left the marriage but hadn't yet moved out all of my things, he targeted things that were especially important to me like gifts and heirlooms that he had no interest in other than to hurt me.)

-Harms or neglects pets, gives them away (We were never allowed to have a pet or a little dog because he was "afraid he would kill it" when it got too annoying. His actual words.)

-Punches walls, slams doors, throws things

(Many, many arguments included throwing things into walls and making holes or dents. Extra points if the object was something important to the kids or I.)

-Threatens to do any of these

(Honestly, after the above tactics were used once or twice, I was effectively scared into behaving exactly the way he wanted.)

If you or someone you love has experienced any of these behaviors, I encourage you to get curious and check out some resources to help you gain clarity. As always,

You're not crazy. You're not alone. You deserve healthy love. And you're safe here.

WEBSITES

Office on Violence Against Women (OVW)-US Department of Justice

-Definitions and resources for domestic violence

CDC - Intimate Partner Violence

-Resources, strategies, and education about abuse and what to do about it

Stop Domestic Abuse

-Types of abuse broken down with examples

CHARTS / INFOGRAPHICS

Sarah McDougal's Systems of Abuse Chart

ARTICLES

Domestic Violence and Destruction of Property

The Link Between Animal Cruelty and Human Violence

Domestic Abuse and its Impact on Mothering

PODCAST

SurvivingToThriving with Meghan

Episode 11: Abuse of Kids, Pets, & Property

Episode 10: Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is a complicated topic because everyone's religious beliefs are different, everyone typically thinks that their beliefs are the correct ones, and many, many abuse survivors have had religion used against them at some point, either by their abuser or as secondary abuse (sometimes referred to as double abuse) by their church or families. Often, the victim ends up leaving the church altogether due to this abuse.

In their book Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, Dr. Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys define spiritual abuse as

"A form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterized by systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behavior in a religious context."

They also state that

"Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it."

There are entire podcasts, blogs, and foundations devoted just to the topic of religious abuse, but for our purposes, I will discuss the markers of spiritual abuse within an abusive relationship that are listed in Sarah McDougal's Red Flags chart. Many of the examples come from the Patrick Weaver Ministries Facebook Page. Please keep in mind that these 'half truths, untruths and/or false applications of scripture' are used to coerce and abuse. While some of these statements may seem true within the scope of a healthy relationship, they absolutely do not apply to an abusive one.

Gaining Clarity

Spiritual Abuse can include:

-Uses beliefs to their own advantage

(Can sound like...….God hates divorce. Adultery is the only biblical cause for divorce. God didn't say marriage would be easy. Suffering for Christ's sake is our Christian duty, etc.)

-Leverages your convictions to shame you into compliance

(Can sound like...…..Prayer changes things. Love covers a multitude of sin. You need to take responsibility for your own part. There's two sides to every story. God commanded us to carry each other's burdens. God will punish you for breaking your covenant. Who God joined together let no man separate.)

-Exploits your conscience and loyalty for their own gain

(Can sound like...…love endures all things. You must forgive and keep no record of wrongs We have all sinned and fallen short. You must forgive 70 x 7 times. Your relationship with God will suffer if you leave.)

-Flips blame if you fail to meet your own standards

(Can sound like....What did you do to cause me to behave that way? If you submitted like God commanded, then I would change.)

-Leverages spiritual leaders against spouse

(This can look like...….Pastoral counseling indicating you lack faith, the need to submit to your husband, or give it to God, etc. You cannot participate in church ministry if you divorce. If you don't 'xyz' then I'll tell the church leaders that you refuse to 'xyz.')

-Controls or dictates your liberty (Can include demanding your submission in a way that means all beliefs and spiritual practice or involvement must be approved by husband.)

Patrick Weaver States in his post:

Not one, and I mean not one, of the above is biblically applicable or related to an abusive marriage. Every scripture in the Bible has context, and there is no context that binds an abuse victim to an abuser. Not one. Spiritual abuse is real.

If you have experienced any of these dynamics by your partner, friends, or family, I encourage you to seek out resources to gain clarity about the characteristics of spiritual abuse and what to do about it. As your self-proclaimed resource warehouse, I have posted below some valuable information for your journey.

As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.

WEBSITES GRACE - Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment

-Mission is to empower Christian communities to recognize, prevent, and respond to abuse

Patrick Weaver Ministries: The Exodus Project -Education and resources for survivors of Domestic Abuse

Is it Abuse Mini-Course

-FREE crash course on categories and dangers of Domestic Violence with the FREE Red-Flags chart included

ARTICLES Double Abuse: How Victims Experience Secondary Abuse

What is Double Abuse? Why Your Church is Hurting Victims and Doesn't Even Know It (#EndItNow Part One)

Why Responding Well to Abuse is an Evangelistic Imperative (#EndItNow Part Two)

PODCASTS

SurvivingToThriving With Meghan Episode 10: Spiritual Abuse

BTR.org Betrayal Trauma Recovery with Anne Blythe Episode: Stop Telling Victims to Forgive their Abuser!

Intellectual Abuse

Do you know someone who's so difficult to disagree with that it's just a waste of time? Do you find yourself agreeing just so that you don't have to argue, even if you know you're in the right? Or, do they have a reputation of 'always being right' to a point where it's just easier to agree? This is not ok. This is not normal. In an intimate relationship, this is abuse.

Intellectual Abuse can be defined as an overall disrespect for another's intellectual interests, talent, way of thinking, or learning styles. This goes beyond just disagreeing with someone's ideas or having a different worldview. Remember, when we're talking abuse, we're talking a pattern of behavior that belittles, demeans, or shifts the power/control dynamic between partners.

This particular series of podcasts is my own experience with abuse. The definitions and characteristics that I use are drawn from the Red Flags Chart from Sarah McDougal.

Some indicators of intellectual abuse include:

--Demanding perfection

(Can look like........Nothing can ever be right, nit-picking tasks, ideas, texts, or communication)

--Insists on proof of your right to opinions

(Can sound like......'Prove it,' 'Who says?' 'Who do you think you are? 'You think you're smarter than everyone else now?' 'You're just saying that because so-and-so thinks that') This is a tricky one because often disagreements involve asking for authority or validity to support opinions; this is normal. What's not normal, is belittling someone's opinions or not even allowing for someone else to even have an opinion. It's an attitude that everyone else is wrong, their opinion is right, and there's really no room for argument.

--Insults intellect, education level, or ability to think

(For me, this sounded like 'Well, I don't have a fancy Master's Degree like you.' In public, he would brag about how smart I am and how educated I am, but in private, I would be called a 'lazy banker's daughter' who had no right to an opinion, no intellectual value, or ability to think independently.)

--Dumbs victim down

(Can sound like......'Even you have to agree that xyz is wrong' 'Wouldn't you agree that you're not the best decision maker?' 'Just because you have a *insert education or training* doesn't mean you know everything.')

--Intimidated by your mind

(Can sound like........'I guess I'm just not as smart as you.' Can also look like a refusal to talk about anything that could have multiple interpretations.)

--Refuses to allow you to disagree

(This is where arguing is pointless. They're always right and there's no room for discussion. Ideas are never addressed - only superficial topics because those are subject to the abuser's final opinion. Black and white thinking and circular logic helps to accomplish this.)

--Invalidates others if they point out abuse

(Can sound like......'they just think they're better than us.' 'They have no idea what they're talking about.' 'Who do they think they are to talk like that?' 'Even you'd have to agree that so-and-so is a hothead.')

When researching intellectual abuse, the internet grouped it into emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse rather than intellectual abuse in itself. My next episode will be on spiritual abuse, but for now this gives some clarity as to what intellectual abuse sounds, feels, and looks like.

If any of this sounds familiar, I encourage you to get curious and dig in a little. Here's some resources for your journey. *Here’s the red flags chart that I reference in this and other episodes. *Two articles with links to other resources and further reading to gain clarity: I Didn't Know It Was Abuse You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

*A mini course from Sarah McDougal on how to spot red flags

Is it Abuse?

As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.